The Green Serpent
by Lizard Lad
Summary: Orochimaru goes to drastic and rather silly measures to improve his taijutsu. Not for those who wish to remain sane.


Author's note: You thought I was dead, didn't you? Well, now I'm back, but don't get used to it! I've moved on from fanfiction, but I need a way to distract me from the all-consuming gaps between Avatar episodes. My brother had this idea, and then we built upon it, and I just had to get it down. Also note that this is a ONESHOT. I will not add new chapters, no matter how hard you plead, so there.

Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto, at least not in this universe. In universe Beta-3, I do own it, but the US is a colony of the Australian Empire and cicadas are a form of currency.

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"Hmmmmm…" said Orochimaru, drumming his fingers absentmindedly.

"What is it?" Kabuto asked. He had learned that if his master appeared to be thinking of something, it was best to know what it was as soon as possible, unless you wanted a replay of the Cake Mix Incident.

"I've just been thinking, and I've realized something."

"What is that?" Kabuto asked again. In his head, he added, _If he mentions cake and/or a washing machine, I'm skipping town for the next week._

"Well, I realized that my taijutsu is lacking in power. Now," he added hastily, "It's still _awesome_, make no mistake. But it's noticeably _less awesome _then my ninjutsu and genjutsu. Luckily I have formed a plan to correct this!"

"What?" Kabuto asked, this time honestly interested. This was more like it! A genuine evil scheme, probably involving kidnapping somebody.

"I shall reform my villainous ways so that I may train under the legendary Maito Gai and perfect my taijutsu skills!" Orochimaru declared.

There was an extremely awkward silence.

"I hope you realize that I lost all respect for you." Kabuto said grimly. "I will now run off and find a new, more evil person/organization to minion for."

"Fine. See if I care." Orochimaru responded huffily. "In, fact, I'll just tell you right now: I don't care!"

"Fine!"

"Fine!"

"Fine!"

"Double fine!"

"Dammit."

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"We are now leaving the Hidden Sound Village." The captain's voice announced over the intercom. "We will be arriving in the Hidden Leaf Village shortly. Thank you for flying with us."

Orochimaru shuffled in his seat. Air travel always made him nervous. But everything would be all right. He would get to the village safely, and begin his new life as a…

A sudden bout of turbulence knocked his carryon luggage out of the overhead and into the isle. The lid popped open, and hundreds of snakes slithered out into the cabin. As shrieks filled the plane, Orochimaru slowly turned to face the man sitting next to him.

Samuel L. Jackson glared back at him.

One feature-length cult classic later…

"I don't know why everyone made such a big fuss." Orochimaru grumbled as he exited the plane.

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"Well, team," announced Gai with his normal enthusiasm, "I have a special surprise for you all!"

"Is this going to be like the you made us all wear dresses while training?" Asked Neji. "Because I never want to go through that again."

"No! But thanks for reminding me; we should do that again soon. I want to introduce you all to your new teammate…"

A pallid-skinned man with long, dark hair walked into the clearing.

"Orochimaru!"

"Howdy!" Orochimaru exclaimed, waving jauntily.

"WHAT!" Shouted Neji and Tenten.

"Now," continued Gai, "I know it's unorthodox to have more than three pupils on one team…"

"UNORTHODOX!" Neji screamed incredulously. "He's _pure evil!_ He's tried to kill us all and/or take over Konoha dozens of times!"

"Oh, that's all behind me." Orochimaru said, waving his hand dismissively. "I'm a good guy now! See my headband?" And, indeed, his normal Sound Village symbol had been replaced by one of the Leaf Village.

"That proves nothing!" Tenten argued.

"Now, teammates," Lee said, moving in front of his enraged partners, "I am positive that if Gai Sensei has allowed this… Person… To join us, he must have a very good reason! Right, Sensei?"

"He said that he'd give me a hundred bucks if I let him join." Gai admitted. "And," he added, "He said that he wanted to hone the power of his _youth!_"

"See?" continued Lee, "A perfectly good reason!"

"Exactly!" Gai exclaimed. "Now, let's get training, _new _Team Gai!"

"Right!" Lee and Orochimaru agreed in unison, saluting.

"Okay…" Neji and Tenten said begrudgingly.

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"Welcome to Ramen King!" Kabuto chirped. "May I take your order?"

"I'll have one MegaRamen Jr. and a large cola." Replied the man outside the pickup window.

"Here you go!" Kabuto said, handing a sagging bag to the customer. "Have a good day!" he added as the car drove away.

In the brief moment in time between the customer leaving and the next one driving up, Kabuto reflected on his current state. His headband and ninja garb were gone, and in their place was a paper trainee's hat and an official Ramen King employee's uniform, both of which shone in bright, primary colors. He was only getting minimum wage, but a promotion was in his future if he played his cards right. Also, he had befriended the fry cook (who had the unforgettable nickname "I'm-Most-Certainly-Alive Haku").

"I love my new job." He stated to the world, smiling cheerily.

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About a week had gone by, and there had been a lot of changes. Orochimaru's taijutsu had improved considerably, and his mentality… Well, it was obvious that Gai Sensei was having an affect on him. By day three, he had donned the green tights, and by day five his hair had undergone "the bowl treatment." His attitude was changing as well, his normal air of cold-blooded calculation replaced by a confident and dedicated persona. That, and he was starting to use the word "youth" a lot.

Lee was getting uncomfortable with this. At first he had been ecstatic that his new teammate was as tapped into his Springtime of Youth as he and Master Gai were, but at about day five he had experienced a disturbing thought: _What if Orochimaru became _more_ like Lee than Lee was?_ This troubled him to no end.

Currently, Lee was hiding in some bushes, watching his new companion train. _Just look at him,_ he thought, _Acting like he is a genuine Green Beast. I was a Green Beast before it was cool. This guy is just a poser! What is he doing nOHMYGOD!_

Orochimaru had begun punching and kicking a tree, his face wracked with concentration.

"THAT… IS… IT!" Lee yelled. This was the straw that broke the camel's back. Or it would have been, if Lee knew what a camel was.

"Huh?" Orochimaru turned around as Lee jumped out of his hiding place.

"Look here, mister!" Shouted Lee as he stomped forward. "I do not mind if you wear those tights. I could not care less that you have that haircut. But beating up trees…" He poked his adversary in the chest. "That is _my_ thing!"

"Well?" Orochimaru asked, folding his arms. "What're ya gonna do about it?"

"I will tell you what I am going to do!" Lee answered, his eyes burning with an inner flame. "I am challenging you to the most sacred and ancient of ninja duels! I challenge you…" He took a dramatic breath. "To a dance off! If I win, you will leave this team, never to return!"

All around the village, ears twitched in response to the distant challenge. A roar of gossip rose among the civilians, and ninjas of all ranks and ages converged on the clearing where the two opponents were standing.

"Very well." Orochimaru said calmly. "I accept your challenge. But if I win, I get to have… Your _eyebrows._"

"Fine!" Lee replied. Then he whipped around. "Neji! Play those funky beats!"

Neji nodded grimly, and pressed the "play" button on a boombox lying nearby. He then put it in his lap, and began bobbing his head up and down rhythmically as the electric cords of O-Zone emitted from the metal case.

"Ma ya hi, ma ya ho, ma ya ha, ma ya ha-ha…"

Lee started off with a well-executed "robot" technique, with Orochimaru doing the same. But soon, Orochimaru broke into more fluid moves, taking advantage of his enhanced flexibility. Lee tried to keep up, but his serpentine foe was too fast for him.

"This is pretty intense!" Sakura commented, watching on from the crowd that had formed.

"Yeah!" Agreed Gai, who was standing next to her. "And the worst part is, I can't tell which is which!"

"Orochimaru's the one with the utterly inhuman eyes." Sakura said tiredly.

"That's no help at all!" Gai wailed.

Sakura scratched her chin. "Hmm, you're right. Okay, Orochimaru's the one without any hint of a tan."

"Oh, okay. He seriously needs to go to the beach or something. Hey, wait a minute! That means Lee's the one losing! This isn't good!"

"I thought you thought that Orochimaru was a great student." Sakura said, slightly surprised.

"Oh, I was just saying that to make him fell better." Gai replied. "I mean, his taijutsu has real potential, but he's just too… _Unyouthful._ I mean, he's like sixty years old!"

"Is unyouthful even a word?" Sakura asked.

"There's no time for that!" Gai declared. "Lee!" He shouted. "Use your special ability!"

"Which one?" Lee called back, panting with the effort of the dance.

"You know, the one with…" Gai gestured vaguely, "The dance thingy."

"But Master Gai! You said that I could only use that to protect someone precious to me!"

"That's right. Hold on a second." There was a brief struggle. "Do it, or I'll kill Sakura."

"I would appreciate it if you cooperated, Lee." Sakura added, trying to ignore the kunai hovering mere centimeters from her jugular.

"Okay!" Satisfied, Lee turned to face his opponent. "Prepare to face the awesome dancetasticness of…"

"Okay," Sakura interrupted, "I really, _really_ doubt that that's a real word."

"Shut up." Whispered Gai.

"My super-secret youthful power explosion dance move!" And with that, he placed bent both his arms, placing his hands in his armpits as he waved them up and down, bobbing along and clapping his hands periodically. As he danced faster and faster, a halo of light formed behind him.

"Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!" Orochimaru wailed, sinking down on his knees. "Not the Chicken Dance! The dancetasticness… It's too much!" Releasing a final moan, Orochimaru collapsed into a heap as the blinding light flowed over the clearing.

When the light had dissipated, Lee was standing still, panting and sweating from the effort. As the cheering crowd swarmed toward the victor, Orochimaru slowly stood up. Glumly accepting defeat, he turned to go.

Neji was blocking his way.

"You've been served, foo!" The Hyuuga youth exclaimed. "You don't deserve to wear that headband!" And with that, he ripped off Orochimaru's Hidden Leaf Village headband. "And you don't deserve to wear those tights!" There was a ripping noise, followed by an awkward silence. "You do, however, deserve to wear clothes!" Neji continued, handing Orochimaru his normal garb. "Put these on, ya freak!"

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"I'm telling you," the airport clerk said, "Your record says that you're not allowed to fly on any more planes!"

"Aw, _come on,_ please?" Orochimaru begged.

"No! Do you realize what I would be responsible for if I let you board, and that fiasco you caused last time repeated itself?"

"A blockbuster sequel?" Orochimaru offered.

The clerk thought about this. "Fine." She said, passing him a ticket. "But I had better get a free promotional t-shirt out of this."

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"Welcome to Ramen King!" Kabuto chirped. "May I take your…" He noticed who was sitting in the car in front of him. "Oh. It's you."

"Kabuto, my plan failed." Orochimaru said despondently. "I need your minioning skills again."

"Oh, so you just come crawling back to me." Kabuto huffed.

"I crawl everywhere." Orochimaru explained. "It's the whole 'snake' thing."

Kabuto seemed to think the proposal over. "Fine." He agreed. "But on one condition." With that, he reached into Orochimaru's bowl-shaped hair and pulled out a single hairpin, causing it to immediately revert back to its original form.

As he jumped into the car's passenger seat, Kabuto shouted into the takeout window, "Hey! I'm-Most-Certainly-Alive Haku! Tell Not-Dead-At-All Zabuza that he can have my job!"

With that, the car drove into the sunset, carrying two evil guys who where vaguely like friends but didn't really respect each other that much to be the best of friends.

THE END

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Naruto walked toward the center of the clearing. Looking down, he could see the footprints of the two contenders, and could almost chart their moves. Then he sauntered over to wear Orochimaru's headband lay, scuffed up and dirty. Picking it up, the blonde ninja looked contemplatively at the horizon, where the setting sun was casting the most beautiful of colors against the sky.

"Well," he said to no one in particular, "What the hell what that all about?"


End file.
